This title is so tone-deaf. Read the room, Natalie, people are dying. Some of them are your relatives. Economic uncertainty ensues, capitalism waits for no-one, etc.
I suppose this is me coming to grip with the reality we are faced with; I feel oddly calm. I could attribute it to not being around negative environment – I could chalk it down to some GCSE grade psychology that implies I am used to chaos and uncertainty – the fact remains the same. I feel at peace with myself, I feel centred in a way I haven’t for a while.
My therapist and I talked about it: these things happen for whatever reason and you have to accept it. Accepting it is so very hard when it feels like you have such pig-shit luck, it feels worse when you’ve started to believe (with a lifetime of reasons) that you aren’t getting access to opportunities because you aren’t male or middle-class. That very well may be the case, in fact, I’m sure these factors come into the equation more than some people would like to admit (equality often feels like oppression when you are accustomed to privilege). But these things still happen, it’s how we react to it that matters.
This vacuum in time has allowed time for reflection, analysis, grounding. It has led me from a series of near misses and mishaps to a place called acceptance. Do I think that my fridge broke sooner than most peoples because most people can afford a nicer, and therefore more reliable product? Yes. Does that change the fact it broke? No. Change the word “car” for fridge and repeat the process. These things have happened, and whilst I don’t understand why they continued happening, they still happened. I needed to accept that.
Acceptance is a practice and it does no use to dwell on things that don’t work out, or pick up the pieces and try and figure out why – it never did (see University depression). This is something I learnt a long time ago, but after life happens, it’s something you need to continually practice. This is more of a note to myself ‘cos I know no one fucking reads this.
This whole pandemic has forced me to stop and re-evaluate, it is giving me space and time to explore more rewarding avenues. It’s not the best, but I don’t hate it. It just is. you could even say I’ve accepted it.
PIP 